You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize