Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
