um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
