I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
