you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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