Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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