We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We're too hungover to prance.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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