I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
