He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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