I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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