Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
