Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.