i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.