I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2