a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
