WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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