My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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