Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
