i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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