You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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