it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
