i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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