tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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