She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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