Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
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Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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