i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
