If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
