"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's no shave November. This is our time.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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