My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
