and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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