well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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