Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
