Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
