Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
