Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
