those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize