What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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