somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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