I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
