i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
