You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
