Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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