please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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