im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
