I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
