My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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