i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
