nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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