I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something