she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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