be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
