Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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