we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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