So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
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MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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