After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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