i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
