Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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