you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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