she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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