dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So much Jack, so little girl.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
