he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
